I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
