ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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