so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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