I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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