Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
