I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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