I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
