you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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