I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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