So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
