look no pants
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
