That's intense
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
