Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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