at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
