Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize