I feel like abortions should bother me more
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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