When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
