this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
