You're completely useless in the revolution.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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