there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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