You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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