someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
