yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
