She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
