I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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