We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
