All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
