College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
