my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've blown a few things in my day
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What a dumb baby whore.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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