Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
