I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize