I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
