Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize