I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
