i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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