I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
