i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize