I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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