I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
