Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
