I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
