i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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