never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
