the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
