I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
