sarcasm needs its own font
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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