Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
