I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
