Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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