every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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