He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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