I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize