the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
