I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
