Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
