guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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