my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
