Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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