I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
