Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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