Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
