last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
