I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
