Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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