He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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